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Dear Ella,
I was having a discussion with a friend the other night and we were talking about the dangers of having guy friends.
My friend told me she generally has a hard time having women friends and prefers to have male friends. I began to think about the famous quote from “When Harry Met Sally” when Harry tells Sally that men and women cannot be friends. That there is always some sexual attraction.
Upon further discussion with my friend on this matter, it came to my attention that I have made out with almost all of my male friends. So I guess my question to you is : Is it possible to have a completely platonic relationship with the opposite sex without someone having these feelings for one another? Furthermore, do you have any advice to those who have crossed the thin line of friendship and more and wanting to patch things over so things aren’t as awkward.
x,
Mildred Darling
Dearest Mildred (love your chosen name btw),
Plenty of people, the world over have platonic friendships without sexing up the place. However, if you’re attracted to someone it is more likely that you will respond to that chemical reaction should circumstances, timing and reciprocity have a party. I do believe that men and women just like gay women and straight women or bois and boys can have awesome connections that don’t involve body parts.
I’ve admittedly “crossed” the line too with a lot of my friends over the years and sometimes once that happened, we were over each other as potential lovers and were able to move on to a great friendship or sometimes the relationship in its entirety disintegrated. We make up a whole load of stories to justify our bodies’ natural inclination to get naked and that’s why we have our intellect. Friend sex can be just that but I’d venture to say more than a few times, someone will read into it as more than sex. This is where it gets sticky. When it’s more than sex to one person, attachment and expectations kick in. The truth of the matter is we don’t accidentally make out and mess around (even if alcohol lubricates the situation by removing judgment) and if it’s just that, you’re not a bad person- you’re human. There’s nothing wrong with attraction and acting on it if it doesn’t hurt other people and if it does than you learn from it.
As far as cleaning up your messes or leaky awkwardness, the best remedy is communication and time. It once took five years for a friend and I to get over our choice to “hook-up” and I don’t judge the length or level of awkwardness, it was what it was. To top it off, I recently laid down some boundaries with friends when I became single. Being to the point, honest, loving and accountable is really healthy for all parties. No one can argue with your truth, it’s like arguing about if you like store bought tomatoes or not. Is someone going to disagree with you if you’re clear and express that? Not likely.
I think men may have a harder time not sizing up their attractive lady friends as potential sex and women (at least from my experience) get a bit more mental and emotional in their assessment. Tension dissipates over time or it doesn’t, you just have to make a decision with yourself and honor it (and sometimes reassess it).
A great awareness to have is asking yourself if you’re spending time with these guys to get attention and feel attractive. It’s not fair to play that card and expect different game results. Waffling back and forth can be fun but it’s also really stressful and agitating. Make a decision, move forward. As a woman, I feel we call the shots more than we admit or are conscious of- own an empowered stance, Sadie Hawkins it up or sit it out. There’s no blanketed rule like Harry suggests unless your ego is running rampant in need of validation (we often use sex to make us feel good and valuable). However, I appreciate how to the point he is (even though it’s kind of limiting to think that way).
P.S. A lot of heat behind Harry’s argument is based on the fact that men have a stronger libido and they do. Check out this article on sex drives of genders: http://www.webmd.com/sex/features/sex-drive-how-do-men-women-compare