Question of the Week
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Dear Ella,
I’m feeling down today and thought I’d see if you had any advice for my situation. You see, I currently live in Portland but I’ve landed a really promising career opportunity in Boston.
It’s the right move for me but I’m worried about the change for my girlfriend.
She says she’s open to coming with me but I don’t want her to go for me, I want her to go because she really wants to. She loves her life as it is, her family is here in Portland and she’s really close to them. I want her to come but I’m not sure if it’s the right thing for her.
What should we do? – Brad
Dear Brad,
Congratulations on the new career digs, that’s really exciting. I think it’s wonderful that you’re going with what feels right for you and at the same time, you’re being considerate of your lady love. I actually advised my brother about this kind of situation several years ago and the truth is, only time will tell “the truth” because each person is unique and so is each experience. However, I do have a few thoughts I’d like to share…
As a fellow comrade in the process of shifting gears and changing cities, it is always a bit nerve-wracking because new is unknown and unknown is well, a question mark, isn’t it? Remember that excitement and anxiety/nervousness are the same coin, it just depends on how you flip it and what you focus on (read: turn the coin to the preferred side, wink wink, my vote is for excitement).
I also hear that you’re not wanting to be responsible for your girlfriend’s choices and more to the point, her happiness and guess what- you’re not. I would advise you to support her in choosing what she feels good about doing and if she changes her mind, comes to Boston and loves it or hates it, do not take it on.
If it’s meant to work out, you’ll both co-create that and do your best to concoct the perfect little venn diagram of love.
There’s nothing worse than not feeling free to follow your truth and if you don’t, you’ll both know soon enough.
Maybe you could both agree to give it six months either of doing long-distance or for her to move with you. Start maybe by sharing this post with her, it shows you obviously care and it may open up the conversation that you’re wanting to have. I find adventures to be more fun when you share them but sometimes the lone ranger journeys are what’s in order. Sounds like you’re well aware of what feels good for you to do for you, so do it and let the chips fall where they may.
FYI In the case of my brother, he moved to the city that called him and his girl followed but in doing so, made her life about him. She had no friends, family or anything in this new city but her relationship and that’s what she focused on. My brother on the other hand had everything at his finger tips and was living his life and began to feel burdened by the relationship because, yes you guessed it, he felt responsible for her happiness. In the end, the spark faded and the relationship fizzled because they were each living a different dream (which was no one’s fault).
Your girlfriend, Brad, will need to create her own life alongside you and the same with you, if you want it to work. Sacrifice and martyrdom is not sexy nor healthy, communication and negotiation/compromise are the tools to keeping the fire burning. I know I’ve been saying this a lot lately but it’s because it’s a great treasure to have in your tool box, go out and read Mastery of Love by Don Miguel Ruiz, read it together. Listen to it as a book on tape on your road trip across the U.S. and start your adventure out on the good foot, the right foot, the only foot- love and not fear.
Only you know what’s best for you and only she knows what’s best for her and it may take your leaving to have more clarity around that. Try not to make so much meaning about it just yet, you’ve got a blank chalkboard, have fun with it.
Marcus Yam/The New York Times
There’s nothing to solve, just draw and if it doesn’t feel right, erase and draw, draw again!
Happy trails,
Ella