Question of the Week
Hi Ella – Image may be NSFW.
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I have been dating my guy for about 11 months. I love him very much but have realized that this is not the right relationship for me. I tried to break it off, and told him a few reasons why I wanted to end things. He has asked me to give him time to work on making the relationship more satisfying for us both.
I agreed to give it a month and set a date for a review at which time we will reassess. Now, our dynamic has completely shifted, and I feel as if I am in a relationship with his abandonment issues. I am even more convinced that this is not right for me. I still intend to give it the month, but my question to you is how does one end a relationship that isn’t right in a loving way?
Thanks ~ R
Dear R, Image may be NSFW.
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You’ve read the sweet old story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears I’m sure, well welcome to the grown-up version of hunting down “just right.” Relationships are not unlike the hard or too soft bed and the piping hot or too cold porridge, they’re opportunities to find out what feels just right for you and communicate that clearly (to yourself and your partners). Breaking up is hard to do and it’s never a “good time.” It feels like you’re attempting to do the “right” thing and be nice but being nice is a way of covering up what you think is ugly. Honesty isn’t ugly nor is the fact that this isn’t working. You have an opportunity to shift so you’re that much closer to being aligned with who you really are and you also give him this gift (although at first he may not see it that way).
Keep it simple, have compassion and be honest, facts are facts. “This just doesn’t feel right for me, I’m unhappy because I’m not listening to my heart and I really feel what’s best is to no longer be in a romantic/dating relationship. “
He can’t argue with you about your likes or dislikes or your feelings if you are clear and leave no room for misinterpretation. I wouldn’t go so far as to give him an analysis of his issues (abandonment) but that for you, being in this relationship doesn’t feel good, period. People don’t argue with someone about whether or not they have an upset stomach or are allergic to shellfish right?
Come from that space of clear understanding, it’s not about him, really it isn’t, this is about you knowing what is true, period.
And how great that you were willing to really give it a shot and now know without a doubt that this relationship doesn’t serve either of you. My question for you is why wait? Who are you afraid of being? Check out the chorus of this one:
Talk about waiting til St. Patrick’s Day!
I once tried to wait out a dead end relationship through the winter holidays , talk about torture (for everyone). Dragging it out leads to dragging it out, as you’re already experiencing. Take the band-aid approach, let ‘er rip.
When your energy is being drained and you feel out of alignment with your truth, it doesn’t serve anyone. If someone doesn’t want to hear something, they’re going to continue to resist it whether you’re good, bad or ugly about it. That’s on them, not on you. All you can do is be honest first with yourself, then with others or in this case your soon-to-be ex. Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
And remember, when it starts to get challenging and your frustration challenges your ability to be loving- feel into how much you do love him and yourself and that’s why you’re doing what’s best for both of your highest goods.
When we drag things out, the person who is holding on begins to hope or worse, will believe that they’re not enough and play the “well maybe if I ___, then they’ll love me.”
It’s not a question if you love him or if he’s loveable/worthy/enough. Honesty isn’t a lonely word if it’s infused with compassion and I believe that you can cleanly express your needs and then draw the line in the sand, ending this relationship once and for all. Have compassion for him that he doesn’t feel enough but don’t play the martyr. The sooner you do move forward, the sooner you’ll both be able to move on and find that “just right, ahhhh” situation whether it is solo or in union.
Lots of love,
Ella
P.S. Give yourself a little salve for your wounds and check out a book by Don Miguel Ruiz called the Mastery of Love, share it with him and remember your happiness and his happiness are independent pieces of the pie, always.